"There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain."
~R. D. Laing
School, work, and Gambler took up every minute of time I had to spare. They left no time to blog. But now I find I cannot leave our story incomplete. I owe it to Gamby. I owe it to myself. I owe it to anyone who took the time to follow our journey together.
In August, I finally gathered the courage to ride Gambler. I was so scared I visibly shook as we took those first few steps together. Every inch of my body wanted to get off. Just to jump off of the horse and assure myself one more time that we weren't ready. But I was done with living like that. My fear of failure (or rather fear of success) was controlling my life, locking me in a cage of wasted time. So I braced myself and made a goal. Just walk to the wall of the arena and then you can get off. Gambler wanted to walk the other direction, wanted to back up. But I locked my gaze on the wall and there we were.
That was all the riding that we did that day. In a couple days we were trotting. Gambler was incredible. He didn't buck, even when I was riding with another boarder and her horse tried to buck her off. He spooked a coupe times, but I never came off.
I bought a saddle, but mostly rode in the bareback pad. I never used the bridle; there was no need. We trotted over poles and practiced straightness and flexibility at the walk and trot. He loved being ridden, he was even better than on the ground.
All I could ever talk about was my dream-come-true. After years of time and emotion, we were the team I had always dreamed I would find. Before the ride I would let him loose in the arena and we would run around at liberty together. He would walk, trot, canter beside me. We had a bond that I have never had with a human, let alone an animal. Everything was so perfect. First thing in the morning, I would think about what I would do with Gamby that day. After school, I would de-stress before work with a quick ride.
On September 25th, I brought my best human friend out to the barn to watch me ride. Gambler was a little spooky, but so good. We walked and trotted and played at liberty. Three hours later, he was found rolling non-stop in the pasture. Thirteen hours and three vet visits later, we made the decision to end his pain.
Losing a horse, especially a heart horse, is always difficult. Several thoughts have been carving circles in my brain. I never got to canter. Horses are supposed to die at 25 not 6. I only got to ride for two months. Everything was so good. He was my best friend. Part of me is furiously angry that God took my dream-come-true away. Part of me just wants to know why. Why do people who take their pets for granted get to enjoy them for years, while this little girl who spent most of her life wishing for a horse gets it taken away? It's like the fiance that dies in a car accident on the way to his/her wedding. The bitter irony of it all.
But I know that everything happens for a reason. If I had never known Gambler, I would not be in so much pain. I would not have grown or learned so much. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Loving and losing Gambler has taught me that living is always worth it in the end, even if you "lose." I took a gamble on him, and though I have lost, it was worth it. Time will heal the hole Gamby left in my heart, but I hope that I always remember to Take a Gamble when life presents me with a chance.
I took down the blog because I was too busy to update, and because some of the things I wrote/did are embarrassing in hindsight. But I plan on leaving it up now. Maybe it will inspire someone else to Take a Gamble, even if they lose.
