September 25, 2017 ~10:00 a.m.

"There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain."

~R. D. Laing

School, work, and Gambler took up every minute of time I had to spare. They left no time to blog. But now I find I cannot leave our story incomplete. I owe it to Gamby. I owe it to myself. I owe it to anyone who took the time to follow our journey together. 

In August, I finally gathered the courage to ride Gambler. I was so scared I visibly shook as we took those first few steps together. Every inch of my body wanted to get off. Just to jump off of the horse and assure myself one more time that we weren't ready. But I was done with living like that. My fear of failure (or rather fear of success) was controlling my life, locking me in a cage of wasted time. So I braced myself and made a goal. Just walk to the wall of the arena and then you can get off. Gambler wanted to walk the other direction, wanted to back up. But I locked my gaze on the wall and there we were. 

That was all the riding that we did that day. In a couple days we were trotting. Gambler was incredible. He didn't buck, even when I was riding with another boarder and her horse tried to buck her off. He spooked a coupe times, but I never came off. 

I bought a saddle, but mostly rode in the bareback pad. I never used the bridle; there was no need. We trotted over poles and practiced straightness and flexibility at the walk and trot. He loved being ridden, he was even better than on the ground. 

All I could ever talk about was my dream-come-true. After years of time and emotion, we were the team I had always dreamed I would find. Before the ride I would let him loose in the arena and we would run around at liberty together. He would walk, trot, canter beside me. We had a bond that I have never had with a human, let alone an animal. Everything was so perfect. First thing in the morning, I would think about what I would do with Gamby that day. After school, I would de-stress before work with a quick ride. 

On September 25th, I brought my best human friend out to the barn to watch me ride. Gambler was a little spooky, but so good. We walked and trotted and played at liberty. Three hours later, he was found rolling non-stop in the pasture. Thirteen hours and three vet visits later, we made the decision to end his pain. 

Losing a horse, especially a heart horse, is always difficult. Several thoughts have been carving circles in my brain. I never got to canter. Horses are supposed to die at 25 not 6. I only got to ride for two months. Everything was so good. He was my best friend. Part of me is furiously angry that God took my dream-come-true away. Part of me just wants to know why. Why do people who take their pets for granted get to enjoy them for years, while this little girl who spent most of her life wishing for a horse gets it taken away? It's like the fiance that dies in a car accident on the way to his/her wedding. The bitter irony of it all. 

But I know that everything happens for a reason. If I had never known Gambler, I would not be in so much pain. I would not have grown or learned so much. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Loving and losing Gambler has taught me that living is always worth it in the end, even if you "lose." I took a gamble on him, and though I have lost, it was worth it. Time will heal the hole Gamby left in my heart, but I hope that I always remember to Take a Gamble when life presents me with a chance. 

I took down the blog because I was too busy to update, and because some of the things I wrote/did are embarrassing in hindsight. But I plan on leaving it up now. Maybe it will inspire someone else to Take a Gamble, even if they lose. 

New Approach

Obviously, I am not finding the time (or inspiration) to keep blogging at the rate that I have in the past. Taking a Gamble feels too restrictive right now. I'm going to set it aside and post on a new blog, Scribblings. I'm hoping that the new setup will make it easier to produce new and more interesting content more often.

The new blog will have a variety of content, from random thoughts (and maybe a little poetry) to pictures I've taken, and Gambler updates of course!

Check out Scribblings by clicking here. 

Update

I am glad to report that I haven't had any problem catching Gambler since I last posted. Now that I am making it out to the barn on a regular basis, he is settling into the routine. For the most part,  I have been reviewing the seven games. The goal is to rebuild our bond and desensitize him to the arena environment. He is doing so well, I wouldn't be surprised if I start riding him soon!

It's a good sign when I can ground tie him without worrying about spookiness. 

Much-Late Update

I cannot explain how psyched I am for spring. Half-way through the second semester of college and I am looking forward to this summer like no other. Once school is out and the weather is nice, there is so much that I want to do. I had planned to find a second job make as much money as possible for school. Now I think I'm going to enjoy the job I have. I could use some free time to spend with God, friends, family, and of course - Gambler!

Gambler is out of solitary confinement and in with the herd of mares. It took him a while to settle in, but now he is (of course) at the top of the food chain. He's a dominant lil bugger.

I have discovered that he likes his new family more than he likes me. He has been hard to catch now and then in the past, but never as much as he is now. Last week I spent thirty minutes chasing him around the pasture and finally drove home in tears. I think the tears had more to do with stress and friend drama than Gambler, but the unexpected struggle tipped it all over the edge. Thankfully, The next time I visited Gambler (on Monday) he was easy to catch: a huge relief. 

There was another horse in the arena that day, which Gambler found . . .exciting to say the least. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I asked him to stand quietly and watch the other horse while I brushed him down. To my surprised, he did quite well. He is growing more and more used to the unfamiliar environment everyday. 

Today I spent two and a half hours with Gambler. He decided to be hard to catch again, so I cheated, bribing him with a tiny handful of grain. Before anyone feels the need to set me straight - I know that this approach isn't a real solution to the problem. I think that once I spend more time with Gamby and we grow back into a close partnership, he'll want to catch me again.

There wasn't another horse in the arena, which was nice. Since Gambler needs the practice, I don't mind having other horses and people around. At the same time, nothing beats having the entire arena to ourselves. 

The Gambster was spooky at first. Once he realized the hay piled in the barn was, indeed, hay, he calmed down significantly. We focused on relaxation, the circling game, the friendly game, and a little bit of jumping. Actually, I was asking him to play squeeze game between a few barrels when Gambler ignored the open space between them and offered to jump all on his own. After that he was much more left-brained. Instead of looking around the arena, wide-eyed, head thrown into the air; he lowered his head, licking, chewing, and keeping one ear on me. 

I took a few videos on my phone, but I need to use a different computer to edit them, so they will probably show up later. I'm sure I'll have more to show off by then.

February Ramblings

Between classes, sitting in the most secluded place I can find, I have found a moment to write. Technically, I'm watching a 50-some minute youtube documentary on music so that I can write a review, but am I really going to waste a whole 50 minutes? Of course not! Time for one of my good ol' rambling posts. 

I love the university center, but sometimes it can be hard to find a place that isn't distracting. Especially now, as students assemble in the cafeteria, the atmosphere can be loud and overwhelming. I've become  an expert at finding a corner, or a nook, or a hideaway to escape the dissonance. I don't mind people, given I can enjoy their company from a distance. As a social person, I can become lonely after only a few hours of solitude. But as an introvert, noisy crowds can be tiring.

On the other hand, I can spend hours with Gambler and feel completely at ease. 

Not that I've been doing that lately. 

Time management has never been my strong point. I am a chronic procrastinator. Honestly, I love learning. Studying, writing, memorizing - all interests and strengths of mine. Still, I procrastinate. Why? I don't know. Maybe I convince myself that the homework is more difficult than it really is?

Compared to elementary, middle, and high school, I'm managing time better than I ever have. I'm taking 17 credits, working 30+ hours a week, and trying to balance Gambler, household chores, homework, sleep, church, and friends with the remaining ninety-one hours. 

To be clear - I'm not complaining! I love the challenge.

Over J-term, all of the empty free time left me bored and listless. And that while working 40 hours! It's exciting to have a life that is so full, but I have to make sure I discipline myself and use my time as fruitfully as possible. Falling behind, even a little, soon snowballs into disaster. 

All that to say, never fear, Gambler updates are on their way!

Second Semester

I'm not sure how to start blog posts anymore. 

Not that I haven't been writing - I'm always writing. But I haven't been writing to this audience, or about these topics, for some time. It's awkward and unfamiliar. 

Gambler is settling in well at the new barn. For the last few weeks he has been in quarantine, but we'll probably release him into the regular pasture sometime next week. 

I don't have many pictures yet, for a number of reasons. First, usually when I go out to the barn it is by myself, so there isn't anyone to take pictures. Second, I'm still finding the best times to visit the barn. Third, I haven't actually mentioned the blog to the new barn owners yet. At first I wasn't going to . . . but I don't feel comfortable posting pictures of their property publicly without some sort of approval. I guess we'll see how that turns out. Anyone want to share their positions? Do you ask the barn owners or just leave it unmentioned?

Back in the Game(s)

So . . . it's been a minute.

My first semester of college was a lot more than I expected. It was also a lot less than I expected. I survived, after all. School certainly wasn't worth all the stressing out I did last summer. These last four months have been very different and I've changed a lot. A lot of things have changed a lot.

Gambler is now at a new barn, which is thankfully ten minutes closer to my house and a good half hour closer to where I go to school. I'm hoping that distance will make all the difference. The most exciting part is *drumroll please* an indoor arena! I cannot contain my excitement. It is a lot smaller than the field I was using as an arena, and I feel much more comfortable playing with Gambler in a smaller, more confined space. Not to mention the joy of shelter in the winter and light at night!

My spooky lil man is settling in great. He has calmed down so much in the last two years. His spooks are much smaller and he hasn't bolted or reared in months.

I am also settling in. Second semester here I come! School starts in five days and I'm ready (at least I'm telling myself that). This time I know what to expect. I can manage my time, keep from making the mistakes I made before, and wring every drop of joy from the months to come.

I made the decision not to ride Gambler when he came back from training. My mom has put some rides on him, but he really needs a strong, confident leader who will push him. During first semester I was anxious, insecure, and overly emotional. The stress of school and work and relationships was bottled up inside of me and I couldn't be the confident leader Gamby really needed.

Now I have found my sea legs (or school legs). I am excited for this next semester. I love my job. I am at peace with my friendships. I can't wait to start riding my horse, at long last.

On an unrelated note, both my old Betta fish died, Pascal a year ago and Boromir two days ago. I am now the proud owner of Wraith and Ember.

My goal for 2016 was to Love More Fully and it changed me in so many ways. 2017 is a year of moments and opportunities so my goal is to Appreciate the Moment. Here's to all the possibilities!