This is the second time I've tried to write this post. The first time, I was so upset that I just had to put my words down somewhere, but once it was written I just couldn't publish it. It wasn't too personal, it was too whiny. I don't want to whine or get defensive, but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. It's beginning to make me very uncomfortable.
The problem is . . . life. More specifically, my chosen career, or the lack thereof. This last summer, especially in July, I was so stressed out about college that I made myself physically and emotionally sick. Gambler and I both suffered from my issues. I felt like the world was forcing me to go to college. All I could see for my future was selling Gambler, going to college, getting into thousands of dollars of debt, getting married, having kids, and hating my life forever. Granted, some people go to college and get married and love it, but I'm not one of those people. I surrendered myself up to this path and I hated every second of it. I lost all my motivation, because I was just working toward utter misery. There was no point.
Finally, just as school was starting, I came to the realization that I--and only I--am in charge of my future. Okay, I believe that God has my life planned out and He knows exactly what is going to happen, but no human other than myself is in charge of my future. Maybe training horses and writing aren't legitimate careers, but they are what I love. I would rather do what I love and have to work really hard to earn my keep than make a ton of money in a cubicle while my brain wastes away. Again, some people are meant to do that sort of thing and they love it, but I was made to live a horsey life. I truly believe that this is what God wants me to do. He is the One who made me with all of my talents. He knows where my heart is; He made it. Since I made my decision to put college off for a year, if not forever, and pursue my "dream" career, I have felt completely confident in my choice. I am excited for the future and willing to work my butt off to make it work.
This isn't the end of the stress, on the contrary, I'm under even more pressure than I was last summer. Now that I have openly strayed from the path that most people expected me to go down, many people feel that it is their duty to set me straight. I cannot count how many people have told me I have to go to college to get a good job. Others have told me that I'm shutting God out by not going to a Christian college and dedicating my life to some ministry. Still others have informed me that once I get married I'll leave my "horsey dream" behind. It annoys me that these people think that my life is their business. Some of them have the right to advise me. I greatly appreciate advice from teachers, parents, and other people in the horse industry, But in the end, I firmly believe that this is what I was meant to do.
The worst part is sometimes I wonder if they are right. What if I'm just a stupid horse-crazy girl who needs to grow up before it is too late? What if God is calling me to some great place and I'm rejecting Him because I just can't let go of my obsession with horses? What if I fall in love and decide to give up everything for some guy? What if my chosen career is just a dream?
These thoughts scare me. Right now, even though I have doubts, and I feel the pressure to fall back on a mainstream job, I am standing by my choice. I have never felt so happy and confident as I do when I am writing and working (playing) with horses. This is what I am good at and this is what I love. I will not give it up because of what other people say.
