Still Alive

Hey!

I haven't posted in ten whole days.

And

I've only posted three times this year.

But I am still alive.

My horsey activities are still on hold. Partly due to the cold and partly due to car troubles. But that's okay! In truth, these twenty days have been some of the best days in a long time. I'm beginning the last semester of high school and many things are finally coming together.

Since getting Gambler I have grown so much as a person. God has used this little horse to challenge me on multiple levels. Gamby is an Arab cross, which means he is highly sensitive and energetic. He doesn't think twice about taking advantage of my insecurities. I've learned to put my fears away and take a stand for what I believe is right, whether I'm standing up to my horse or other people or even myself. At the same time, I've learned not to get overconfident or cocky. No matter how many plans I make, something will happen to throw everything off.

I've seen a difference in myself this school year, which I believe is due to my experiences with Gambler. I have the confidence to open up to people and appreciate the friendships of these last four months, to dare to try jump at new (and risky) opportunities. But I also have the humility (at least I'm working on it) to take a step back, and realize that my plans for this semester aren't the be all and end all of my life. There is a big picture, and right now I'm trying to be content to see where God is taking me.

Purpose

My goal this school year was: "Keep an outside focus". In the past, I have started school with every intention to keep other aspects of my life going strong, but have lost focus before the first weeks are over. It's so easy to get caught up in grades, friends, homework and lose track of the whole purpose of school. School is not my life. School is merely a milestone along the journey. I go to school so I can move on with life and become a well-rounded human being, not to lose track of everything else and drown in numbers, letters, and figures.

Last year I stayed more grounded than I had in years before, due to three things (in no particular order). First, my job. I worked at Galloping Hills Equestrian Center several days a week, which forced me to get my homework done as soon as possible and reminded me there was a horse world out there that I wanted to be part of. Second, journaling. I've kept a journal (or several hundred) for as long as I could write. I found that taking time to write everyday about where I had been, where I was at, and where I was going kept life in perspective. Third, devotions. As a Christian, I want to display God to the world in my life. It's easy to forget or get distracted, but reading my Bible and taking time to listen to what He has to say has a huge effect on my day to day life.

This year, my goal was to keep an outside focus. I wanted to keep a healthy outlook and not get bogged down in nine months of school. I can't say I succeeded, but last Saturday I renewed my efforts. School is just a stop on the way. I'm not at all saying that it isn't important ('cause it is - fellow kids, stay in school!). I am saying that there is a lot more to teenaged life than high school. For instance, my horse. When I started to get caught up in the social life, the homework, and the stress, I found myself doing less and less with Gambler. As soon as I took a step back and looked at the big pictures, we started to progress. All that to say that I am going back to journaling, devotions, and horse-training with renewed vigor!

I think it was around 42 degrees today, really warm for December in rural Wisconsin. We had other plans for the night, so I didn't have as much time with Gambler as I would have liked. I put him in the cross-ties and attempted to comb his mane. It was hopeless. Wet, tangled horsehair is impossible.

The rainy gave the pasture a misty look.

Check out the bedraggled mane.

I was trying to get a picture of his "freckles" but the lighting was bad and he wouldn't hold still. If you look closely, he has a few flea-bitten spots on his cheek bone.

Just a Dream?

This is the second time I've tried to write this post. The first time, I was so upset that I just had to put my words down somewhere, but once it was written I just couldn't publish it. It wasn't too personal, it was too whiny. I don't want to whine or get defensive, but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. It's beginning to make me very uncomfortable.

The problem is . . . life. More specifically, my chosen career, or the lack thereof. This last summer, especially in July, I was so stressed out about college that I made myself physically and emotionally sick. Gambler and I both suffered from my issues. I felt like the world was forcing me to go to college. All I could see for my future was selling Gambler, going to college, getting into thousands of dollars of debt, getting married, having kids, and hating my life forever. Granted, some people go to college and get married and love it, but I'm not one of those people. I surrendered myself up to this path and I hated every second of it. I lost all my motivation, because I was just working toward utter misery. There was no point.

Finally, just as school was starting, I came to the realization that I--and only I--am in charge of my future. Okay, I believe that God has my life planned out and He knows exactly what is going to happen, but no human other than myself is in charge of my future. Maybe training horses and writing aren't legitimate careers, but they are what I love. I would rather do what I love and have to work really hard to earn my keep than make a ton of money in a cubicle while my brain wastes away. Again, some people are meant to do that sort of thing and they love it, but I was made to live a horsey life. I truly believe that this is what God wants me to do. He is the One who made me with all of my talents. He knows where my heart is; He made it. Since I made my decision to put college off for a year, if not forever, and pursue my "dream" career, I have felt completely confident in my choice. I am excited for the future and willing to work my butt off to make it work.

This isn't the end of the stress, on the contrary, I'm under even more pressure than I was last summer. Now that I have openly strayed from the path that most people expected me to go down, many people feel that it is their duty to set me straight. I cannot count how many people have told me I have to go to college to get a good job. Others have told me that I'm shutting God out by not going to a Christian college and dedicating my life to some ministry. Still others have informed me that once I get married I'll leave my "horsey dream" behind. It annoys me that these people think that my life is their business. Some of them have the right to advise me. I greatly appreciate advice from teachers, parents, and other people in the horse industry, But in the end, I firmly believe that this is what I was meant to do.

The worst part is sometimes I wonder if they are right. What if I'm just a stupid horse-crazy girl who needs to grow up before it is too late? What if God is calling me to some great place and I'm rejecting Him because I just can't let go of my obsession with horses? What if I fall in love and decide to give up everything for some guy? What if my chosen career is just a dream?

These thoughts scare me. Right now, even though I have doubts, and I feel the pressure to fall back on a mainstream job, I am standing by my choice. I have never felt so happy and confident as I do when I am writing and working (playing) with horses. This is what I am good at and this is what I love. I will not give it up because of what other people say.